Jobs? Yeh, I’ve had a few – a paper route in high school, A/V guru-for-hire at Uni, my freelance inventor phase, that (very short-lived) internship at the Cosmosian World News (1999, part six – see, Jon? I’ve acknowledged it! You don’t need to retcon it out of existence! Geez!)…. and, finally, my current 9 to 5, livin’ the dream career at the Pago Grande Mega-mall! What exactly does that involve, I’m hearin’ you ask? You wanna know? Huh? Huh? Do ya?
Okay, Sit up…. Roll over…. Beg… Good Dog! Who’s a Good Doggie, then? Yes, you are!
Wow, you guys really are desperate for entertainment, aren’t you? Humans, I dunno. Anyway, now that you’ve stopped makin’ fools of yourselves….
Above: welcome to the wonderful world of retail! What I don’t know about all things electronic and / or mechanical, ladies and gents, it ain’t worth knowin’! (Well, apart from what my gal Jenny’s friend Myra knows about computers – but that’s a whole ‘nother story!) Oh, and the customers, those wonderful, frustrating customers: always willing to utterly astound me with their frightening grasp (or lack thereof) of what they think they’re under the mistaken impression that they know! Worth the price of admission every time….
Top: man oh man, do I hate those stupid Zeebles. You Earthians have your Furbies and your Teletubbies; we have these neon-soaked abominations – they sing, they dance, they come in a wide range of designer colours…. and everyone in every department (ESPECIALLY the toy department) wants to Kill Them With Fire. But the higher-ups love the money they bring in from Joe Public, so we hafta keep stockin’ them; what’s a self-respecting wage-slave to do? Oh, yehhhh. Void a few warranties….
Bottom: this is Margaret Miller, who, along with her partner in crime Darcy Fenton, rule the roost in the perfume and cosmetics department. She’s pretty cool, in my book – while she doesn’t get the same caliber of nut jobs we do in the electronics department, the stories she does share with us in the lunch room are pretty…. interesting….
Top: these guys – Rob n’ Jed from Menswear – aren’t short of horror stories from their own deaprtment, either. They instantly know what looks good on a customer from a distance of fifty paces, and what fashion items should never, ever be worn in tandem…. or, in fact, at all. Mr. Colour Co-or-dee-nated here was what they refer to as a ‘worst-case scenario’ – Nurse! Get that man 10 CC’s of common-sense – stat!
Bottom: working in the electronics department is the coolest – not only do we get to play with all the latest techno Doo-dads and Whim-whams (both on sale this week for 30% off: don’t miss out!), but we can also use them for our own nefarious ends! Freakin’ out the squares, baby, freakin’ out the squares….
Top: ah, yes, the stunning majesty of yours truly in full sales mode – neither rain, nor sleet, nor the fact that they weren’t actually going to buy anything will stay me from my daily rounds!
Bottom: Jacob Pendelton-Smythe Jr., trust-fund baby and inheritor of the Stuff-U-Like empire from his equally-loaded father Mr. Pendelton-Smythe Sr., is our seldom seen but always ominously-looming boss. He likes to make periodic ‘pep talk’ announcements to his loyal head counts / minions / playthings, to remind us that he ‘cares’ and is all chummy-chummy with us; but frankly, I’m not sure he’s actually listening to anything that’s coming out of his own mouth! Thankfully, he was kidding about us being fired that time – ‘If we arent; carrying you out on a stretcher, you’re not working enough unpaid overtime’, is his motto. So I am still gainfully employed to this very day!
Uh oh, did I just see them unloading a truckload of Work-o-Droids© out the back?
TO BE CONTINUED….